How To Lose Subscribers and Money: Only Bad Advice for Email Marketers

How To Lose Subscribers and Money: Only Bad Advice for Email Marketers
01 April, 2023 • ... • 7537 views
Selzy Team
by Selzy Team

The internet is full of useful tips and best practices for email marketers. But this article is unique. Here, you’ll learn the secret knowledge nobody else dares to share 😈 

How to make subscribers ignore your emails and not click on them ever? How to drain resources and waste money on nothing? How to make the production of one campaign as long and problematic as possible?  Find out the answers to these questions and more in our April 1st article!

You probably wonder what will happen if you follow the advice from this article to a T? Well, we have a close approximation below:

A clown meme with email marketing-related text

Send campaigns to a large audience without prior experience 👌

Email marketing is even easier than you think. No need to follow beginner’s guides, read books, use helpful resources, or anything else. In fact, just send your first email right after reading this article! The more people you target in your first campaign, the better! You’ll definitely do everything right the first time 😉

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Ignore email compliance 😈

Buy email lists, add random people from the internet to your database, hide the unsubscribe links, ignore GDPR and CAN-SPAM, they only slow you down. People will appreciate your unsolicited messages and not only stay subscribed but also become your clients and even friends. 

And if the random emails you’ve found are old or deactivated, well, people will go back to their inboxes for your amazing campaign! Even if it takes a year or an eternity — a good email can wait, right? 

Surely this can result in violations and significant fines, but who cares, right?

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Opt your subscribers in yourself ✅

So you added all the emails on the internet to your subscribers’ list, but that’s not enough? We have a piece of advice about subscription forms too! 

You know how other marketers always leave a checkbox for users to click on to opt in for emails? Don’t do that! Let there be a tick already. It annoys people to tick the checkbox themselves. Save their precious little time — half a second, to be exact, and they will eternally be thankful! Terms and conditions are unnecessary too — nobody even reads those! 

In fact, you can remove the checkbox altogether. Surely people know you’re going to non-stop blast them with emails. On that note, here’s a great pop-up example from us, feel free to use it on your website!

An example of a pop-up with no opt-in checkbox

Gather all your subscribers into one list 👥

Segmentation who? We’re all humans (apart from those of us who aren’t), so why separate subscribers into all those different lists? Surely everyone can appreciate emails about everything you sell! Send emails about cats to dog owners and vice versa, meat recipes to vegans, and socks inspiration to those who only bought gloves. 

Ever heard of fear of missing out? It means that everyone wants to know everything and appreciate everything your brand has to offer! And if they don’t — jokes on them.

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Avoid CTAs 🙅‍♀️

Nobody wants to seem like a pushy type of person, right? So stop telling your subscribers what to do unless you want to make them angry. If they see an email with new products, surely they’ll immediately visit your website! Your audience probably has your website bookmarked! And if they don’t, they’ll go to great lengths to find it on Google. Your subscribers are smart people after all, aren’t they?

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Skip on email templates — design emails yourself for days on end 👨‍🎨

Nowadays ESPs offer hundreds of email templates in their email builders. But it’s really not enough! To be successful, you need to make a unique email design yourself! If your customers expect something, there’s no wow factor. Emails are the most effective when they’re totally different every single time! You are a unique and creative person, so all your campaigns need to be memorable and tailor-made. Only by doing everything yourself, can you ensure that it is done right.

What you should do is make a new email layout every single time. Doesn’t matter that your email design isn’t optimized for different email clients or mobile users. The uniqueness of the design prevails! In fact, make it so that your subscribers can’t even recognize it’s your company. Try out funky designs to make sure the message is truly unexpected. Avoid any design guidelines to drive home that your products and messaging are unique.

A very unique email design with a long wavy cat from Recess
Source: Rejoiner

Leverage attachments 📁

Attachments can include a lot more than even the longest email can. What’s more, not any one company uses them in their marketing communications! So it absolutely makes sense to try them out for yourself!

Attach PDF catalogs, coupons, or anything else to showcase your products and services fully. Send several attachments with one email to increase the effectiveness of this technique. 😉

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Use image-only emails 🖼

The best thing you can do is put all the content of your email on an image. Visuals speak louder than words! Though not all your customers can enjoy these beautiful emails, it’s their imagination that matters. 

To help screen reader users, you can assign alt text to images. But make it as vague as possible. For example, for a bag promo photo don’t just write “a cross-body bag product photo”. Instead, write something inspiring like this: “A pinnacle of accessory design, a true eco-leather sensation, and the hottest new trend — in one photo”.

A one-image email with uninformative Alt-text

Send emails about anything and everything 🌚

Have you noticed a butterfly in the park? Find the weather in your city particularly miserable? Ate a tasty banana? Share it with your subscribers! Everything can become email content, literally. Whatever you write about, constant attention and regular sendings will help any marketing campaign!

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Write what you want… then add more 📝

Emails are like candies: the more, the better. And no, we don’t think you can ever go wrong with either. 

At the time when people only have a few minutes they can spend on reading when it’s so easy to get distracted, emails become shorter and shorter. But you should definitely go against the grain! Make your messages as long as poems, the more content you include, the more chances your subscribers will get interested!

You can see a great example in the slider below. Although there are 4 images, it’s actually one email that we had to cut to fit in this article. Aim for something as thorough as this or even a bit longer!

A long email example
Source: Milled
A long email example
Source: Milled
A long email example
Source: Milled
A long email example
Source: Milled

Craft bizarre subject lines 😲

Readers are the most interested when they don’t know what to expect! Make your email subject line unrelated to the email itself. If there’s a promo inside, let the subject line be “Art tips”. If you feel inspired, write a whole story in the subject line with as many words (and plot twists) as you like! Alternatively, you can use emojis only, no text needed. 

Here’s a great example of a subject line that works great with the preview text:

A subject line and preview text example

Skip on email testing 🧪

Did you like tests and exams at school? Exactly! Plus, you wouldn’t want to test your own work anyway. 

A/B testing is made for those who can’t make up their minds. And you, a true email marketing professional, do everything right the first time and feel secure in every choice! 

Even if you want to see how the email will look in dark mode, don’t check it in advance. It’s called dark mode because you need to stay in the dark about the email’s appearance on subscribers’ screens! So forget about testing and just make more emails!

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Send emails when nobody else does 🕰

Many email marketers pay close attention to the sending time to ensure they’re emailing at the most convenient moment or when conversion is the most likely. But that also means that other marketers are sending at the same time too! Plus, during the day your subscribers probably get a ton of professional or personal emails as well. If you send emails when everyone else does, your messages will be buried in the crowded inboxes.

Send emails at night or when your subscribers don’t pay attention instead. Not only will you catch your customers by surprise, but they will also definitely remember you! Your subscribers will think, “What an interesting company sends emails at 3 am on Sunday! Their products are definitely worth looking at!”

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Do everything by hand 🖐

With the rise of artificial intelligence and marketing automation, sending email sequences and other processes don’t even require a human presence. However, you should do everything by hand to control every aspect of the marketing strategy. Plus, if you’re so involved, AI won’t take away your work any time soon!

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Send as many emails as possible 📧

Who doesn’t like getting a new email every day? Besides, your subscribers won’t forget about your brand if you email them as much as humanly possible. For starters, send two emails a day and work your way up!

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Sell, sell, sell, sell 🤑

The end goal of any marketing effort is to sell a product or service. So why bother making content or creating any other emails? The more promotions you send, the more people will buy! 

In moments of doubt, remember: quantity over quality, and sales over… anything else, really!

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Ditch the analytics 🥱

Who needs numbers and percentages when you have intuition? Even if you have a diverse analytics board in your ESP, pay no attention to it. These are just campaign results, they don’t mean anything! Stick to your guts even when numbers disagree!  

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Ignore your subscribers’ opinion 🙉

So you’ve sent your campaigns according to our best practices, but your subscribers aren’t happy? Don’t pay any attention to that!

In fact, never even ask them to share their opinion in surveys or otherwise. You are the expert here, so stand your ground and defend your choices! You know best and do it exactly as it should be done.

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One last tip before the end: use the names your subscribers put on the list. Even if their email is [email protected]! Just start your message as usual: “Hello, Charismatic Potato!”

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In conclusion

Now we can admit it: you shouldn’t really do what we wrote about here. This is an April Fool’s Day article, so don’t take it seriously 😅 And if you want to treat your subscribers with something fun as we did here, check out these April Fools’ email ideas.

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01 April, 2023
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